The Chaser's War on Everything

* Intro Joke; Late scratching from this week's show: Charles Firth * Change of names; Craig - Master O'Reilly, Chris - Purple Moon, Julian - Mahler, Chas - Zipping, Andrew - Mr Ed * Intro; National Party members going rollerskating, interest rate rise, controversial comments made by Peter Garrett o Stunt; Barricading the house of Glenn Stevens, governor of the Reserve Bank o The Soundbite Challenge; New segment where The Chaser counts up how many times a politician has repeated the same word or soundbite in one press conference. 10 uses of the word "jocular" by Peter Garrett. o Stunt; Telling jokes to Steve Price to find out if he has any sense of humour at all * Stunt; Dumping various items of junk in a modern art gallery and passing them off as new exhibits * Ad/Trailer; Bunnings Warehouse 1: Takeover of small businesses * Stunt; Trying to bribe people on the street to vote for the Labour Party * Ad/Trailer; Geraldine Doogue emulating Britney Spears * What You Missed on Cable; Paranormal TV including Dead Famous, Most Haunted and Derek Acorah * If Life Were a Musical; Gang warfare (à la West Side Story) * The Fixers o Media scrums: Addressing a question to Julia Gillard by way of a remote controlled robot o Union bosses: Going trick-or-treating dressed as union bosses, to see how scary they really are * Ad/Trailer; Bunnings Warehouse 2: Too busy making commercials to provide any customer service * Stunt; Andrew dressing as Where's Wally? and checking himself into a lost property office * Sketch; Chris paying for live musical performances and podcasts on the train, because he doesn't have an iPod * Andrew Hansen's Closing Comment; "And as always, I'd like to leave you with a funny quip, but unfortunately our writers have gone on strike."

* Intro Joke; Special guest worm: Richard Pratt * Change of names; Craig - John Howard, Chris - Kevin Rudd, Julian - Bob Brown, Chas - Mark Vaile, Andrew - Lyn Allison * Intro; No worm on the show tonight, televised election debate, election soundbites o Stunt; Dressing up as white rabbits and following John Howard around, holding up signs for election issues such as "AFRICANS" and "ECONOMY" that he could "pull out of a hat" in order to win * Stunt; Craig parking in the middle of the supermarket while he does his shopping, pretending that the car is a raffle prize for charity * Ad/Trailer; Liberal Party election ad - If Labour wins, 100% of ACTU officials will be trade union members * Sketch; Japanese TV * Sketch; Chris taking showers and washing his car with the water stored inside a pet camel's hump, in order to beat the drought * Election Watch; Unions * The Fixers o Oversize popcorn: Walking into a cinema with oversized boxes of popcorn ranging from 1 - 2m high o Robert McClelland: Julian interrupting McClelland's speech at the University of Sydney and saying that the floor cannot take any questions today because answers may reflect Labour policy * If Life Were a Musical; Serenading a woman who lent Andrew an umbrella in the rain * What Have We Learned From Current Affairs This Week?; Lesson 24: Attitude. o Anna Coren's Meaningless Gibberish of the Week: Double Standards * Ad/Trailer; Parody of Kevin Rudd and John Howard's "turning off the TV" election ads on YouTube, where Andrew begins to sing a new verse to "The Eulogy Song" (about David Hookes) but is cut off in the same style as the ads * Andrew Hansen's Closing Comment; "And remember, up next: the worm decides the outcome of Summer Heights High!"

* Intro Joke; Estimated number of Britney jokes in this episode - 37 * Change of names; Craig - Hugh Laurie, Chris - Robert Sean Leonard, Julian - Jesse Spencer, Chas - Omar Epps, Andrew - Lisa Edelstein * Intro; New Tasmanian pulp mill, Hillsong controversy * Stunt; Craig posing as a courier and trying to deliver dangerous or unpleasant items to public buildings, such as live animals and a dummy bomb * Ad/Trailer; Jeff Buckley - The Ultimate Collection * Stunt; What is the most minor disability Chas can claim to have in order to get a disabled - only seat on public transport? * If Life Were a Musical; Applying for a driving license * Ad/Trailer; Albino Man * Citizens' Infringement Officer; Standing on the wrong side of an escalator * Election Watch; The African Immigration Experience * The Fixers o Mr. Potato Head: Following a news story earlier in the week where Sydney Airport detained a passenger trying to smuggle drugs inside a Mr. Potato Head figure o Kerry Packer: Involving his family flouting the hosepipe ban by buying in water from a third - party supplier o The Homeless: Homeless people wearing a poker machine on their body for people to play then "guilt" them to give the money back because they "stole" from a homeless person * Ad/Trailer; Four Corners - Special report on hearse drag races * Ad Road Test o Uncle Toby's Oat Brits (offering an oat - based breakfast cereal to cafe patrons); o The Foxtel cable ad where people travel by rolling everywhere * Andrew Hansen's Closing Comment; "We'll catch you again at Hillsong this Sunday ... oh, what a giveaway!"

* Intro Joke; Now even more silent - Marcel Marceau * Change of names; Craig - Milko, Chris - Kate Richie, Julian - Sally, Chas - Don't Go Alf, Andrew - Quitter * Intro; The Australian Liberal Party dirt file, assuming John Howard is gay, Kevin Rudd and Alexander Downer talking about tax thresholds including Lateline's "other camera" * Stunt; Bring Rob Mills down to Tasmania to see if the Tasmanian premier Paul Lennon minds * Ad/Trailer; Classic Albums - Sounds of the Humpback Whale * Open Mic; Upmarket shopping centre, Target, Woolworths, Westfield Group shopping centre * Stunt; Seeing how many times Chas can complain about his meal at a restaurant and have it taken back * If Life Were a Musical; Chas singing about having all his hair on his body shaved off and not just his face in a Barber shop * Ad/Trailer; A Ingmar Bergman directed in-flight safety video, followed up by a review of it by David Stratton and Margaret Pomeranz from At the Movies * The Lab; This weeks category: Cosmetics - featuring various gels and creams (also featuring a scene with Julian dressing up as a primary school student and going to school due to the effects of an anti-ageing cream product) * Song; "Ass Sol" by Sol Trujillo (directed at his management of Telstra and a parody of the Denis Leary song "Asshole") * The Fixers o Mime: A mimed funeral of Marcel Marceau) o Kevin Rudd Asking him if he can speak Chinese and calling him a smart arse in Mandarin o Jetstar: Offering passengers safety ticket upgrades, parachutes and helmets * Andrew Hansen's Closing Comment; Now in the words of Marcel Marceau, Silence

Featuring the now infamous APEC stunt which made headlines around the world and landed the Chaser team in legal trouble. * Intro Joke; Special Guest: "Pavarotting" * Intro; APEC, Dryzabone Jackets, George W. Bush's speech mistakes o Stunt; Using a fake Canadian Motorcade to transport Chas dressed up as Osama Bin Laden into the APEC restricted zone o Stunt; Running around the streets of Sydney wearing cardboard Canadian cars o Intro (continued); Shots of The Chaser standing with world leaders on the steps of the Sydney Opera House o Stunt; Are RSL's harder to get into than APEC? (Involves attempting to get into RSL's with APEC ID's) o Stunt; Chas ringing up a talkback radio station posing as someone else complaining about The Chaser o Intro (continued); Kevin Rudd impressing the Chinese President Hu Jintao with his knowledge of Mandarin (with The Chasers placing fake subtitles on screen) o Stunt; Public APEC Firework viewing including a firework which spelt out "Screw APEC" * Ad/Trailer; Network Ten, Seriously Desperate (hits back at Ten's show Californication) * If Life were a Musical; Andrew, Chris and Chas singing to a University student proclaiming their love for her * Stunt; Moving house by transporting possessions via a bicycle courier and then a public bus * Discussion; Using clown doctors when dealing with people putting down their pets and people on death row * Ad/Trailer; Emo laundry powder (parody of Omo) * A Message from Osama Bin Laden; Peter Beattie's departure, Chas dressing up as him * The Fixers o Horse Flu: Using a pantomime horse in a horse race o China's Evil President: Getting Chinese officials to pay for bullets beforehand o Foxtel: Andrew Hansen dressed up as Adolf Hitler storming into Foxtel's offices and compaining about the cancellation of one of his shows o Pisshead Troops: Getting politicians to skull long plastic pipes full of beer * Ad/Trailer; Australia Zoo (protecting the Irwin family "species") * Song; "Stairway to Kevin" (parody of Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin) * End Joke; Giving credit to the other nine people who got arrested for involvement in the fake APEC motorcade

* Intro Joke; Disclaimer: Some of the shots in the opening credits may have been set up. * Change of names; Craig - Libby Gore, Chris - Lisa Oldfield, Julian - Zoe Sheridan, Chas - Mary Moody * Intro; Today Tonight on The Chaser's fake scenes, James Packer's wedding. * Stunt; Julian using a mobile billboard to advertise "End Mobile Billboards Now!". * Clive the Slightly-Too-Loud Commuter; Talking to his doctor about herpes * Pursuit Trivia; New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark o According to the Book of Revelation, what is the Number of the Beast? Answer: Six Six Six (did not answer). o How many states are there in Australia Helen's Answer: Six (correct). * Stunt; Chas taking part in "Pedestrian rage" instead of Road rage (which involved Chas running around with a car parts attached to his body) * Stunt; Book fans dressing up as their favourite objects or characters from their books. o Donna Hay cookbook: Some of her recipes and pieces of food. o Stephen Hawking book: Pretending to have Lou Gehrig's Disease which included sitting in wheelchairs with heads back and to one side. o The Secret book: Dressing up as a crackpot expert (in white straitjackets). * If Life Were a Musical; Booking a holiday to India at Flight Centre. * The Fixers; Packer media empire, treating Adrian McKenzie as the new James Packer. Paul Keating, Julian asking him if he wanted to star in his new musical "Kevin Rudd the Musical". * Ad/Trailer; The new "Battered Sav Supreme" pizza available at Vomino's Pizza (Parody of Domino's Pizza). * Nut Job of the Week; Richard Cohen trying to turn gay people straight which included Chas and Chris trying it out on a gay man for real. * Ad/Trailer; The Crazy Warehouse Guy documentary. * Ad Road Test o The promo where people make lists on the bus for the Seven Network game show The Rich List. o The Riva Instant Coffee advertisement where people put on a dance routine using trolleys in a supermarket.

* Intro Joke; Political Prisoners of the week: Paris Hilton and Aung San Suu Kyi. * Change of names; Craig - Mick Molloy, Chris - Nikki Osborne, Julian - Akmal Saleh, Chas - Gary Eck, Andrew - Jackie O. * Intro; Paris Hilton goes to jail; John Howard "Who do you trust?". * Stunt; Testing the Peel Hotel and Polish club's gaydars with Tinky Winky. * Mr. Ten Questions; Sophia Loren. * Stunt; The Licciardello Plan for climate change. * Ad/Trailer; First Tuesday Porno Club (Parody of First Tuesday Book Club). * Citizens Infringement Officer; Wacky comedy t-shirts. * Ad/Trailer; "Thank Allah You're Here" (Parody of Thank God You're Here). * Firth in the USA; What do Americans remember about September 11, 2001. * Song; "US Bases, hell why not?" (parody of US Forces by Midnight Oil highlighting (former lead singer) Peter Garrett's changes of policy). * Observation; Different types of footwear hanging on wires above houses have different meanings. * Stunt; A large group of people gatecrashing a house that's is open for inspection and having a party. * Clive the Slightly-Too-Loud Commuter; Discussing collection of sperm for a sperm bank. * The Fixers; Malcolm Turnbull, Broadsheet newspapers (which involved reading a newspaper blanket on public transport). * Ad/Trailer; Lop off a limb for leprosy day. * Ad Road Test o Discussed inability to road test the new Tooheys New ad due to not knowing the premise of it. o Terrain testing footwear at Athlete's Foot.

* Intro Joke; Next ALP candidates: B1 & B2. * Change of Names; Craig - Paul Vautin, Chris - Peter Sterling, Chas - Ray Warren, Andrew - Paul 'The Chief' Harragon, Julian - Matthew Johns. * Stunt; Political donations: o New South Wales Labor Party - Ku Klux Klan Australia: ACCEPTED; o New South Wales Liberal Party - Man-Boy Love Association: ACCEPTED; o Federal Australian Labor Party - al-Qaeda Australia: REJECTED; o Federal Australian Liberal Party - al-Qaeda Australia: ACCEPTED. * Surprise Spruiker; Channel Nine headquarters. * Ad/Trailer; Parody of Kevin Rudd's current TV political campaign. * Ad/Trailer; Roget's Thesaurus movie trailer. * Song; I Am Thesaurus (parody of I Am the Walrus). * The Fixers; Fatwas (for Julian's stunt with Shiekh al-Hilali the previous week); responsible drinking. * What You Missed On Cable; Maury moment featuring 90 year old stripper, comparing ABC TV sports with Foxtel sports. * Ad Road Test; the Australian Seniors Finance ad where seniors use bricks instead of coins and cash.

* Intro Joke; Special budget analysis: Bindi Irwin * Intro; 2007 Federal Budget. * Change of names; Craig - Adam Hills, Chris - Dave Hughes, Julian - Hamish, Chas - Andy, Charles - Fifi Box. * Stunt; The Logies. o White powder on red carpet. o American TV stars here for Australia. o Stealing a logie award. o Work Experience with Richard Wilkins. * Ad/Trailer; Segway 1000. * Citizens' Infringement Officer; Pants too low / Underwear too high. * If Life Were A Musical; "Welcome Back Mrs. Henderson". * Firth in the USA; Iraq Poll. * What Have We Learned From Current Affairs This Week?; Segues, ANZAC tributes, War veterans. Lesson 18: Useful Advice; Noisy Sex, Strawberries for whitening teeth, Home-Made Lip Gloss, Pauline Hanson's taxi fare offer. * Ad/Trailer; Starship Preposterous. * The Fixers; Qantas takeover, Wages (directed at Priceline and API). * Ad Road Test; The Lose Yourself in Melbourne tourism campaign.

* Intro Joke; Token Anzac Day picture. * Change of names; Various Big Brother Australia 2007 housemates. * Sketch; Chaser Channel Nine pilot, brought to you by Toyota, including: o Surprise Spruiker; Coles ("totally brilliant supermarket"). o Stunt (Election Wach); John Howard, ("I like Work Choices"). o What We Have Learned From Current Affairs This Week?; "A Current Affair Leads in Exclusives... and General Excellence". * Stunt; Could Mr Darcy (Pride and Prejudice) pick up a girl?. * If Life Were A Musical; "I need a hammer". * Stunt; Dancing with Kerry-Anne. * Stunt; Putting people on hold. * Sketch; The Logie Orchestra in normal life. * Firth in the USA; Famous world landmarks being told they are all in Australia. * What Have We Learned From Current Affairs This Week?; Segues, Lesson 17: Menaces to Society. * Ad/Trailer; "Lets Ground JetStar". * The Fixers; Alan Jones, Graffiti, Immigration, Dolly Magazine. * Ad/ Trailer; Make up your own mind (McDonalds) (Part 4). * Andrew Hansen's Closing Comment; "And remember as I always like to say about the show..." (orchestra plays).

* Intro Joke; Bridalwear By Ray's Tent City. * What Have We Learned From History; Adam and Eve accepted fruit from a serpent. * Ad/Trailer; 2007 Global Warming Games. * Firth In The USA; Hillary Clinton Intern. * Stunt; Sprinkling of Mother Ashes. * Ad/Trailer; JTV Wolfmother. * What Have We Learned From Current Affairs This Week?; * Who To Blame? * Lesson 16: Humiliation. * Clive The Slightly-Too-Loud Commuter; Drugs on a Train. * The Fixers; Chas' Smell (not fixed), Libby Lenton and Bra Boys (Not Fixed). * Ad Road Test; The Flashbeer commercial for Carlton Draught. * Credit joke; Chris Taylor's mother is not really dead. Please do not send flowers.

- Intro Joke; Token Cute Animal - Knut. - Change of names; Craig - Wil Anderson, Chris - Corinne Grant - Stunt; Craig Reucassel confronting Peter Debnam in speedos and a baseball cap. - The Fixers; The Chaser (fixed) and David Hicks (not fixed). - Scenes From The Life Of The Crazy Warehouse Guy; Church. - What Have We Learnt From Current Affairs This Week?; Jodi Power and Mercedes Corby, Body Language Experts and Safe with a baby. - Ad/Trailer; Too many Americans on Channel Ten. - Ad Road Test; Wendy's, A flavour for every state of mind. - Andrew Hansen's Closing Comment; "(Craig: or catch the repeat of the show after lateline) that's the show hosted by ALP candidates"

Telstra magician Mr. Ten Questions Australian Defence Force recruitment/conscription Bonsai logging on Stateline Prolix Songwriter 2:30 Report; Christian shows Famous Face Off; Models, Annalise Braakensiek and Kate Fischer Daggs Jihad Jack Four Corners interview Tom Cruise not allowed on Oprah Gary Neiwand jailed Junk food advertising blamed for childhood obesity Coco Pops Monkey confronts Monica Trapaga Amusement park Godfreys vacuum cleaners Daggs

Intro Joke; Special Guest Paedophile: Mr Baldy. Stunt; Arrive at airport in large plastic bags. What Have We Learned From History?: Trojan Horse. Ad/Trailer; Australian Defence Force Birdman Rally. Stunt; Video Surveillance Test. Ad/Trailer; Medibank Private - Helping Members, Healthier Profits. The Surprise Spruiker; Dell Battery Explosions. Stunt; "World Famous" - Charles Firth in Kenya. Ad/Trailer; Little Britain Impersonations. What Have Learned From Current Affairs This Week?; Unsubstantiated Bullshit Lesson 14: Fatties. Pursuit Trivia; Bob Brown - In sport, what is BMX short for? (Incorrect) (Bicycle Moto-Cross). In Other News...; Rising Cost of University Degrees, LPG Subsidy, Prince Harry Groping, Bali 9 sentence reductions. Stunt; Al Kyder and Terry Wrist. Ad Road Test; Ford Focus

Election Wrap Best Parking Spot Union Officials Ad Japanese TV Camel Solution Election Watch: Unions The Fixers: Oversize Popcorn, Violent MPs, Gagging McCelland WHWLFCA: The Right Attitude

In this episode are Bulldog fans, protesting animals wearing fur, and bellhops.

Pushers trying to save on fuel Are You Being Shagged? Complaing about bus route numbers Chas travelling in taxi boot Meanwhile in Iran Pursuit Trivia Acting inappropriate in smart cars Offering smart cars to people Mr. Ten Questions In Other News Turkey slapping survey featuring actual turkey Detective Superintendent Clive Pugh recites The Bard What Have We Learned From Current Affairs This Week?; Media-scrum for minor court cases Pushing ride-on lawnmower, tank and plane to save fuel

The Chaser returns with Muslims photos, ASIO job applications, what have we learned from current affairs this week and Chas gets knighted!

Parking Inspectors, Stocking Head, Channel 9 Promo, Hillsong Sketch

The 11th episode in the Chaser's war.

The 9th episode in the Chaser's war.

1: French Protests Craig goes out onto the streets to see if he can French-up Australia's protests of the new IR laws. 2: Family Contracts In Britain, McDonald's if offering family contracts, which means if you can't turn up for a shift you can send one of the members of your family. But what if other types of jobs allowed this? 3: Pursuit Trivia - Malcolm Turnbull Part 1 This weeks first question: In Science and Nature, Io is a moon of which gaseous planet? Malcolm did not guess the correct answer: Jupiter. 4: Warehouse Guy - Cinema This week the Crazy Warehouse Guy goes to the movies! 5: Name Our Next Cyclone Julian goes around to different top-company-heads to see if they'd like to buy the naming rights to the next cyclone. 6: ABC Promo - Director's Cut With director's commentary. 7: Ad Roadtest - Napisan How would people REALLY react if you charged into their home with a camera crew and started pouring stains all over their clothes? 8: Cracked Pepper There's nothing Chris hates more than those waiters who constantly interrupt meals offering cracked pepper, but how much worse would it be if they decided to spread beyond restaurants? 9: Pursuit Trivia - Malcolm Turnbull Part 2 This weeks 2nd question: Who won the 2002 Melbourne Cup? Malcolm once again did not guess the correct answer: Media Puzzle. 10: In Other News... IR dismissal laws; Relations with Indonesia; AWB Downer inquiry; Vega; Robert McCallum. 10: Firth in the USA Charles tries to get into Skull & Bones, the most secret and powerful society on Earth. 11: Celebrity Solitaire Get ready for TV's exciting new card game: Celebrity Solitaire, this week featuring Andrew O'Keefe. 12: Statue Busking Made Easy Simply rig yourself up an actual statue and watch the money pile up! 13: Credits Song "They always run credits over my song..."

The 5th episode in the Chaser's war on everything.

1: Rug Clearance Sale Ads It’s the Rug Emporium's absolutely, positively, definitely closing down this time sale! 2: Where the bloody hell are you? After the reaction to a recent overseas advertising campaign, Chris and Craig test a few of their own slogans to promote Australia to tourists. 3: Howard 10 Years Tribute The Chaser team celebrates John Howard’s tenth year as Prime Minister with clips highlighting his time in office. 4: Message from Osama Bin Laden – Dancing with the Stars Osama Bin Laden expresses his distaste with not being asked to perform on Dancing with the Stars. 5: Pursuit Trivia – Backstreet Boys This question goes to the Backstreet Boys: In Geography, what is the capital of Australia? None of the Backstreet Boys guessed the correct answer: Canberra. 6: Mosman Mosque Julian unveils plans to build a Muslim Mosque in Mosman, a suburb named as among the most racially intolerant in the country, and gauges local’s reactions. 7: Rug Warehouse Clearance #2 Trust us, this time we're not kidding; it's the "We Really And Truly Are Closing Down For Sure Sale"! 8: Firth in the USA – Cool Charles Firth hits the street of New York to find out why America is so cool. 9: Commvenience Which bank? 10: In Other News Peter Costello gets tough on radical extremism; Tony Abbott withdraws comments; Trevor Flugge’s AWB claims; Channel Nine’s new logo; David Beckham does math; and ABC denies any leftwing-bias allegations. 11: Brokeback Mountain – Christian Edition A sneak preview Ang Lee’s more Christian-friendly version of Brokeback Mountain. 12: The Complete Walks of John Howard DVD Featuring Mr. Howard’s most memorable walks, with commentary! 13: Current Affairs – Visualisations Lesson 3: Using visualisations to explain complex stories. 14: Crazy Warehouse Guy – McDonalds The Crazy Warehouse Guy visits McDonalds. 15: Finally, Tonight... It may be time to put away the talking Boonie, but VB have brought out another drinking sporting legend: the talking Wendell. 16: Closing Credits Credits are played over another scene from Ang Lee's Christian Edition of Brokeback Mountain.

1. Kerry Packer's memorial service and memorial fund. Chris and Craig discuss the televised funeral and memorial to the late Kerry Packer, and then try to collect money for their own Kerry Packer Memorial fund. 2. Mega-Cheese crust pizza. Presenting the latest ad for pizza with more cheese than ever before! 3. Pursuit Trivia This question goes to Stephen Smith, the Shadow Industrial Relations Minister: What is the world's second highest mountain? He did not guess the correct answer: K2. 4. The Surprise Spruiker Andrew introduces his Surprise Spruiker for those who need it most. This week, those receiving his charity are: Giorgio Armani; The Department of Workplace Relations; and The Department of Immigration. 5. A Message from Osama Bin Laden Bin Laden admits he's responsible for all the evil in the world...except for the Up-Late Game Show with the Hotdogs. 6. AWB Corporate box; Big Day Out Sniffer Dogs; Australian flag fashion. 7. This week's subliminal message. 8. The Road to Turin Chris and Andrew are thoroughly practicing their ice-skating for the upcoming Winter Olympics in Turin. 9. Charles Firth in the USA Charles interviews football fans about the Superbowl. 10. In Other News... AWB kick-back scandal; Abortion pill UR486; Eddie McGuire; New footage of Iraq prisoner abuse; Bali 9 execution. 11. Evade Aid A live concert event to raise money for Packer's tax bill. 12. What have we learned from Current Affairs this week? Lesson 1: Dodgy Guys. How to spot a dodgy guy, and dangerous car parks. 13. Mr. Ten Questions This week he meets Hugh Jackman. 14. Danish cartoons on Danna Vale's website.