$hubes

3/10

I'm not even sure where to start ripping this one apart. I'm trying - honestly, I'm _trying_ - to watch the entire collection of Steven Seagal movies but I really thought I was gonna have to hang it up with this one. He's had other movies that were "worse" all-around, but this one... I just don't even know where to start. Seagal was soooooo cool and so badass in his first few movies, where he strutted around with his Italian persona and his ponytail (and was about 150 lbs. lighter and could actually do his own fight scenes) but now he thinks he's a "gangsta" and wants to _"kick it wit' da homies, kno'm'say'nnnnnnnn yo?"_ Seriously, the movie itself was weak, but made almost unwatchable by Seagal's horrible interactions with the black dudes and trying to come off as one o' da homies. The scene where "Ice Cool" (what an original street name…how did they EVER think that up?!) was supposedly speaking...what'd he call it? "G-bonics"?…was so utterly ridiculous it made me think of the scene in _Airplane_ where the classy old white lady offered to assist the stewardess in conversing with the two black guys: _"Excuse me, ma'am; I speak jive."_ The entire movie was riddled with Seagal (and his homies) trying their best to butcher common English sentences, to the point that it almost rendered the entire movie unwatchable. Seagal has had worse movies (not many!) but this one was almost too bad to watch just by virtue of the dialogue. The storyline was completely lame (but it's been done in other movies, so there you are) but the atrocious dialogue just compounded an already-bad situation. The fight scenes were few and far between; Seagal tends to do most of his "fight scenes" nowadays with guns instead of the hand-to-hand stuff. It was an unexpected (and kind of cool) surprise to see Randy Couture make a very brief cameo appearance (and of course, he got his butt handed to him by the completely unstoppable Seagal). Other than that, everything was either absolutely awful and/or completely forgettable. Do not watch this: I don't care HOW much of a Steven Seagal fan you think you are. Don't watch this. Just…don't.