THE LODGE has *just enough* intriguing narrative beats to keep you from shutting it off – which is definitely a compliment when you consider the thousands of horror (note: little h, not “Horror”) movies that have over saturated the VOD platforms in the last 2-3 years alone. There are indeed a bottomless pit of VOD streaming options when browsing by this particular genre; and whatever standards might have once been in terms of production quality on services such as – but not limited to – Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, and Shudder are no longer being enforced. In fact, I’m pretty certain that you could use the recently received covid19 stimulus check, use it to produce your own movie filmed on your phone or whatever, and *I’m confident* that at least Amazon Prime Video would gladly take whatever garbage you hand them to be given some clickbait-art-design and a few bot accounts to establish “credibility” on iMDB.

I’m sorry for the opening rant, but I cannot understate how awful most of these streaming platforms’ FRONT PAGE HORROR movie options have become; seriously, it’s basically 2 or 3 great films like The Exorcist or Hereditary peppered through 2,000 complete pieces of trash that were probably some kid’s junior year high school film project – again, I’m not joking at all. Don’t believe me? Look up “The Koas Briefing” (or whatever it’s called) on Amazon Prime – watch the first 10 minutes and try to tell me with a straight face that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.

ACTUAL REVIEW STARTS HERE ಠ◡ಠ:

THE LODGE is a 2019, (but let’s be real it’s a 2020 movie for most people because of...well, you know), directed by the same team known for the 2015 international hit, “Goodnight Mommy.” If you’ve seen Goodnight Mommy, don’t worry I won’t spoil it for you. However, you should know that THE LODGE basically spoils that movie for you as it’s almost a beat for beat re-make of THE. EXACT. SAME. STORY.

But – but – the trailer for THE LODGE clearly proves the film is at least a little different because it’s two kids who are skeptical about this new woman in their family and....oh wait...I think it is Goodnight Mommy just re-made for Americans because apparently people in this country can’t endure reading subtitles, (thinking about this actually makes me want to walk into the ocean...).

There are a number of genuinely interesting aspects of THE LODGE, but all of which occur in the first 25 minutes, (total run time is 113 minutes...so...maybe bring some paperwork to do or something for the latter half of the movie?) I suppose I only have myself to blame for allowing this movie to get my hopes up that it could do anything to a pretty straight forward Horror narrative, and shame on me for not instantly re-adjusting my expectations much lower after the opening shot of the movie is LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME OPENING SHOT OF THE 2018 FILM “HEREDITARY,” INCLUDING THE PART ABOUT THE PART WALKING INTO THE KID’S ROOM SAYING, “WAKE UP, TIME TO GO!” I KID YOU NOT.

From there we are introduced to Aiden (supposedly 17, but trust me, trying to believe these kids are their assigned ages will be the least of your frustrations or headaches) and his little sister, Mia (12, and this is the more lol moment of the writing because her character doesn’t behave at all like every other young teenage girl that has ever lived; but rather is limited to the cognitive skills of a 5 or 6 year old, yet there is NOTHING in the entire film to even hint at any sort of condition that would account for this baffling writing, acting, casting comedy of errors). Aiden & Mia live in a neatly organized and brightly lit home with their mother, (again it’s obvious these people are big Ari Aster fans who were indulging in as much shot for shot imitations of particular scenes, cinematography, but most of all the set designs in both Hereditary & MidSommar). Their mother drives them over to their father’s house, and when I say house I mean it’s not an apartment that was temporary rented by the husband back whenever they recently separated in hopes of improving their marriage after taking some time to themselves, I mean it’s an average to large HOUSE that we are shown quite a bit of establishing exterior shots for a location that will be in the first 5 minutes of the movie and then never seen again – from the interior or exterior – I know, this movie packed with so many odd choices that you have to just try and let it play by its own rules even if it’s quite obvious that these filmmakers don’t understand the internal logic of their story themselves, (more on this later – oh boy – lots more).

By the time you finally recognize the kid’s mother as Chere from the most ‘90’s movie ever made in the 1990’s, “Clueless,” she’s becomes an instant afterthought in the movie – OR DOES SHE?!?! (jk it’s 100% a Drew Barrymore in Scream situation but without the exceptional performance from Barrymore etc.)

We’re only 10 minutes in, IF THAT, and we’ve yet to really hear the kids or their father speak at all to anyone, and what little they say is mumbled to each other in a slew of scenes that are back to back to back despite their narrative purpose for existing all being LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME AS EACH OTHER. So let me back up: when their mother takes them to their father’s house in the opening minutes of the movie, the 3 sentence “conversation” between the two parents (while the kids are shoved away to buy candy...because it’s 1950’s Americana apparently and kids just love candy? Ugh), there’s something very bizarre about the way the exchange takes place...the mother was shown getting ready very meticulously in the mirror all morning before taking the kids over to their father’s house, planting the notion that she’s “dressed to impress,” and has reason to believe she might actually salvage her marriage by dolling herself up for the guy that is still her husband at that time. So when the mother asks the kids to beat it so she can go 12 rounds w/ their dad, you’re lead to believe that he’s expecting this sort moment, and would – I don’t know – maybe not not counter his wife’s plea to work things out and stay married with, “actually I’m getting married to this woman named Grace in 6 months; I know I told you she wasn’t here when you first arrived to make you feel comfortable, but as the camera is about to show the audience, she’s right out in the back yard and if you look now you’ll notice her clearly trying to walk out the side gate of this home, however I was lying because Grace was 100% here and oh yeah, did I mention we’re getting married in 6 months? Because I’m trying to share this exciting news with you, and all you’re doing is crying about the current marriage you and I are still very legally bound to and have obviously never discussed the subject of getting a divorce but so what because – well – I guess you’d just have to be there to get why Grace is so awesome, (spoilers: she was the lone survivor in a cult’s suicide pact that the newspaper I work for had me cover extensively back in 2001, and oh yeah she was only 12 years old back then but now she’s older so WHAT COULD BE WRONG WITH HER??? You know?!?!?!”

You get the picture. I hope. Look, I only discussed the first 10 minutes of this movie and I’m already beyond exhausted. A twisted part of me feels compelled to finish describing the basic storyline in this movie and give a play by play of what happens, how everything is filmed, whose perspective the story is being told from, and so much more – but at the same time the logical part of my brain knows such a task is not worth my time. If you stop for even ONE SECOND to consider the impossibility of even the most simple, easy aspects of this story, you will invariably find a rabbit hole of broken continuities, lapses in logic that cannot be accounted for due to unreliable narrator(s) and/or any sort of the filmmaker’s approach to slowly pulling back the curtain to show you reality the way that you see in a David Lynch film or Nolan’s Memento – you know? This is a movie that does not deserve to be lambasted, hated on, or given scathing reviews because that amount of negative reaction should only be used in extreme circumstances, (“The Snowman” comes to mind as a perfect example of a truly inexcusable film that had the backing of a big studio budget, celebrated source material from a novel, and an all star cast save for one Val Kilmer – yet it failed in ways that you never knew were possible).

THE LODGE is a film that I could easily imagine several film schools to educate its students through extensive, semester-long autopsies that are able to demonstrate the ~ dozen moments through the movie where things just go off the rails just when the story was starting to work effectively (again). I would need to read the actual shooting screenplay for this movie, but the majority of this movie’s problems COULD be all within those pages, and with a different script supervisor on set maybe we get the best version of this story and not the frustrating version that was made. There are several moments in this movie (the first ⅓ or so) that actually work; by “work” I don’t mean in the way that good, competent Horror movies are able to establish a unique rhythm. I mean “work,” in that they’re decent moments of mystery, intrigue, and escalating tension that you’d expect ANY creditable filmmaker to nail in the least-scary parts of their scary movies.

Oh, yeah. One other thing (seriously spoilers below!!!):

[spoiler]SERIOUSLY, MIA IS A BURGEONING VIOLENT PSYCHOPATH THAT UNDERSTANDS THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF DEATH HAVING JUST LOST HER BIOLOGICAL MOTHER TO SUICIDE AND THEN CRIES FOR MOST OF THE MOVIE OVER HOW UPSET SHE IS ABOUT HER MOTHER NOT GETTING INTO HEAVEN FOR KILLING HERSELF, IMPLYING SHE’S DEEPLY RELIGIOUS AND BELIEVES THERE’S SOMEONE WATCHING AND KEEPING SCORE...HOWEVER MIA REVEALS AT THE VERY END THAT SHE WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED GRACE’S DOG, GRADY, *ON PURPOSE,* AND THEN THE STORY RESUMES LIKE “OKAY WELL WE’VE REVEALED WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO THAT MYSTERY, TIME TO KEEP SLAMMING THE AUDIENCE WITH INCONSISTENT CHARACTER ACTIONS THAT DON’T EVEN LAND ONE SINGLE MOMENT OF SURPRISE – BUT WHO CARES WE MADE GOODNIGHT MOMMY AGAIN AND SOMEHOW GOT PAID BY THESE AMERICANS TO DO IT SO WE DON’T GIVE NO FUUUUUU”
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