Those who know me, know I'm not particularly fond of remakes, "updates", and other ways of fucking with established classics and franchises. This remake is the same shit as the majority of other remakes.

Firstly, they used a lot of CGI instead of practical effects. When it was used, it looked so bad, it was hard not to turn the damn thing off. Second, The writing is rather lazy, and makes the whole thing ever so predictable. Even a slasher novice would figure out everything ten minutes into the film. Third, the ending is not good. Because of the second point, We knew who the badguy were the whole time, and because of that the reveal was very anticlimactic and boring.

Ok...so some of the gore was decent, there were some nods to the original in some of the kills, and the badguy had the same good costume as in the original, but that doesn't make up for all the other shit.

This remake was never needed, nor wanted. The original is some of the best the 80s had to offer in the genre, and nothing done today will ever top that. Watch the original twice instead of bothering with this lazy cash grab.

For fuck's sake, people. Have a fucking original thought once in a while, will yah...

You might wonder why I even watched this?!!!? Trust me... It was NOT my idea...

***Quite good, as slashers go***

The heir of a mine (Jensen Ackles) in a remote town in Pennsylvania returns ten years after a Valentine’s Day massacre that took the lives of 22 people. When a psycho slayer dressed as a miner with a pickaxe also shows up the sheriff (Kerr Smith) naturally suspects the heir, who happens to be the ex-beau of his wife (Jaime King).

"My Bloody Valentine" (2009) is a remake of the 1981 slasher but is different enough to view as a sort-of sequel. It includes most of the vital elements for an effective flick of this genre.

The basic formula was well established by "Halloween" (1978) and the first two "Friday the 13th" flicks (1980-1981): A crazy masked killer and a group of youths in a specific environment, whether a town, camp, forest, college, resort, building, etc. In this case it's a mining town, shot in Kittanning and Bethel, PA, and points nearby along the Allegheny River. So the film gets a big plus for filming somewhere other than friggin’ British Columbia! (Not that there's anything wrong with BC, of course, but enough is enough).

Beautiful women is a must for these types of films and "My Bloody Valentine" delivers superbly with Jaime King (Sarah), Megan Boone (Megan) and Betsy Rue (Irene), the latter in an extended nude scene, which I think is unnecessary, but some will obviously appreciate it.

Most importantly, the story is engrossing and keeps you guessing as to the identity of the killer till the very end. Compared to the original movie, it’s more compelling and all-around more entertaining.

The film runs 1 hour, 41 minutes.

GRADE: B+

Harry Warden is dead…

My Bloody Valentine is directed by Patrick Lussier and collectively written by Zane Smith, Todd Farmer and John Beaird. It stars Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Kevin Tighe and Tom Atkins. Music is by Michael Wandmacher and cinematography by Brian Pearson

A remake of George Mihalker’s 1981 slasher, the 2009 version was released in a blaze of 3D frenzy, where it absolutely coined it in at the World’s box offices. It’s not hard to see why, for no matter how much we may moan about remakes and the general languid nature of slashers turned out just for coin, there’s a big market out there for them. As it happens this isn’t half bad, oh it’s all very familiar, there’s another Michael Myers clone stalking the residents of some American town and offing them in gruesome ways. Here the perp is The Miner, dressed up in his work clothes, armed with a pickaxe, face covered by a gas mask that in turn makes him creepy looking and gives him Darth Vader breathing exercises to do.

The mystery element is that this new series of murders are being re-enacted from crimes ten years previously, so is the old killer back from the dead, or is there a copycat at large? Enter troubled teenagers, townsfolk acting suspiciously and mucho blood and screaming sitting in tandem together. There’s the requisite amount of nudity, including one of the longest nude scenes ever, while Lussier shows a good knack for blending humour with the terror. The 3D is of a high standard, and the sound mix is incredible, this really is one to give your sub-woofer a work out. It pans out as expected, but it manages to eek out good suspense for its finale and having Atkins and Tighe in the movie is a reassuring presence.

The original was no great film anyway, and although this is better, it’s still just a bunch of acting props being killed in different ways. But it is effective and above all else it’s fun. 7/10