CinemaSerf

0/10

Anyone remember an half-naked Tom Payne getting pulled into a barrel of hookers by Stellan Skarsgård in "the Physician" (2013)? That vision might just have forgiven this film had he featured a bit more, but clearly he had read the derivative script and decided it only merited one filming day - hence he hardly features at all. What does feature is the usual dysfunctional family malarkey with him newly married to the well-meaning animator "Jessica" (DeWanda Wise) who is trying to stay on friendly terms with his two daughters - the teenage "Taylor" (Taegen Burns) and the younger "Alice" (Pyper Braun). The family decide to move into her father's house - he is now in a care home - and quickly the youngest discovers a bear. Yep - a teddy bear. What can go wrong? Well it isn't a very nice bear, indeed it's distinctly malevolent and is soon trying to lure all of them (except Tom who has fled the proceedings by now) into a parallel reality with lots of rooms containing lots of scenarios. Some benign, so less so. Poor old "Jess" is soon at her wits end but fortunately neighbour "Gloria" (Betty Buckley) is on hand with some pearls of wisdom that might help them through this rapidly menacing quagmire! Or will they? This film plays out exactly as you would expect. There isn't an original bone in it's body, the acting is mediocre at best - but wait, it's nowhere near as banal as the extracts from the Janet & John book of horror film writing. Some of the dialogue here really does have you staring at the cinema ceiling in disbelief. It's another standard Blumhouse offering that passes the time without you having to engage your brain in the slightest - in fact, you could just watch the last ten minutes and miss very little from the rest of it.