Today I attended a beautiful wedding where my baby sister took her vows, and started the next great chapter of her life. And then, when I got home, I inexplicably watched this piece of garbage, which might be the most subtle, yet clearly defined moment of emotional self-sabotage in my entire life. I am obviously unable to allow myself to be happy.

Geostorm stars Gerard Butler as the least believable super scientist to ever exist. He looks like a drummer who is between bands and working part time as a bartender while he lives rent-free at his girlfriend's place. The plot is absurd even in the realm of sci-fi. The effects are awful, buildings topple over intact like giant building blocks, everything hot explodes, and typhoon waves deflect off of buildings and flow through the streets.

Even if you couldn't guess every turn of the plot long before the movie manages to stumble toward it, the story wouldn't be any good. All of the humanity and heart is an afterthought: deadbeat dad makes his daughter a promise and has to save the world while he keeps it, weasel brother makes some hard choices to earn another chance with his family, etc. Basically, this movie is The Wandering Earth only even less entertaining.