_Eternals_, the film where Robb Stark and Jon Snow find themselves in a love triangle with Sersi.
Besides that piece of ironic casting, I’m not seeing the hook with this film.
I’ve seen some people arguing that it’s boring because of its slow pace.
It’s not, it’s boring because it’s an empty, big wet fart of a film that doesn’t have one ounce of personality.
It feels like one of those long, drawn out, indulgent college lectures where you’re constantly asking yourself what the point of learning this stuff is, and you’re still not sure by the end of it.
The cinematography is great, it looks like a Denis Villeneuve film with its use of natural light, but that’s pretty much the only thing I can praise about it.
Most of these films are entertaining because of their interesting characters, comedy and ocassionally the action (if it doesn’t look like artificial crap).
This film doesn’t really have characters in the first place.
It tries to balance 10 leads, which results in most of these characters being reduced to archetypes.
Most of them have one or two quirks, but none of them develop into well rounded or engaging characters.
Even some of the acting, which is the one thing these films usually get right, is a little wonky and one note.
It tries to compensate for its lack of action with drama, which I’d welcome if it wasn’t the same, generic ‘monster bad, we have to fight them’ shtick we’ve seen time and time again.
The philosophical questions that it tries to pose feel tacked on and have no meat to them, not unlike a Zack Snyder DC film.
There’s also so much handholding in this, the amount of exposition is kinda insane.
You don’t need to dumb your film down to the point where your exposition dump that starts the film repeats itself two more times during other dialogue scenes.
The third act, as expected nowadays, looks like plastic and is filled with effects that already look dated.
Is it that hard to give us something subversive like Doctor Strange again, and to stop having these fake and obnoxious cgi battles?
Then you wouldn’t have to underpay your visual effects artists to animate a battle for which most people close their eyes during.

There’s still one good thing to come out of this: we can now definitively reject this dumb narrative (which was floating around in some circles) that critics will go easy on a film because of diverse casting, the director being an Oscar favorite, the brand or a film being ‘woke’.
So at least there’s that, though I wouldn’t be surprised if these morons find a way to twist it into their narrative regardless.
I can already see some of them claiming that critics hated it because there wasn’t enough gay sex in it.
Frankly though, I agree: where was the sex scene between Angelina Jolie and Gemma Chan?

3.5/10