Escape Plan strategises an unbelievable route that never manages to break out of its cliches. Stallone and Schwarzenegger. The duelling juggernauts of 80s action. An impenetrable maximum security facility monolithically stands in their way, preventing them from being reliable gym buddies and exercising those lucrative vein-inducing steroids. Will Arnie “be back”? Is Stallone still missing “Adriaaaaan!”

Regardless of the nostalgic fuel that pumps through Håfström’s reunion, it’s unfortunately weighed down by an implausibly ridiculous plot that believes itself to be smarter than it actually is, diminishing the non-sensical fun in the process. Best get “back to da choppa!” ey Arnie? (Or governor of California...). An escape artist, hired independently to test maximum security facilities by breaking out of them, is setup by his own financial advisor and incarcerated in the most secure prison of them all.

Soldiers, probably ex-military, walking around with black ‘V for Vendetta’ masks scaring up the prisoners who just want to sleep. Schwarzenegger delivering some excruciatingly brilliant one liners as per usual. “You fight like a vegetarian!”. Stallone, probably extremely interested and involved, looking generally fatigued and uncharismatic. Water hoses shoved down the throats of prisoners, whilst locked in steel boxes (crucial point...) with the brightest and hottest lamps beating down upon them. Palaeontologist Dr. Alan Grant recovering from the trauma of ‘Jurassic Park III’, by medically assisting America’s most dangerous criminals. And Vinnie “I’m the Juggernaut!” Jones putting the “cock” in “cockney”. Suffice to say, it’s a paradise. A beautiful holiday retreat. If only the plot was just as idyllic.

Essentially, Escape Plan fundamentally works due to Stallone and Schwarzenegger’s chemistry. Divert away from this, and plot conveniences, holes and illogicality rapidly take precedent. Ray is described to be the ultimate escape artist, which is essentially a cop out description for his character to do literally anything and consider it to be objective fact. Example: using broken glasses, paper and other utensils to blindly craft an apparatus that aligns with the moon to determine the equatorial alignment of one’s current location. Perhaps this is a legitimate tool that can be created under a prison table. I don’t know. Nor do I care. My point is, due to the prison being “the most secure facility in existence”, the actual escape plan requires the audience to promptly suspend their disbelief.

The brawls and action are few and far between, resulting in the remaining hour and half to be weirdly edited conversations where the camera manages to go through Stallone’s eye on multiple occasions. In fact the entire editing, from quick cuts to weird scene transitions that remind me of Microsoft PowerPoint fade out animations, decreased the quality of the general filmmaking. Not to mention the obvious green screen and dreadfully unnecessary moments of CGI.

At the end of the gloomy day, you probably wanted to watch this just for Stallone and Schwarzenegger, in which case you’ll be satisfied. You just have to endure the mountainous implausibilities, overextended runtime and underwhelming conclusion. Had it been made thirty years ago, could’ve been good. So perhaps conducting your own escape plan could be better?